When the favorite uncle of the bride dropped dead ten minutes before the wedding service began, the family looked to the wedding officiant, Sarah Bunnett-Gibson, for guidance. After some deliberation, they soldiered ahead with the ceremony and lavish, 250-guest, black-tie reception.
In her 22 years of being a licensed wedding officiant, Bunnett-Gibson has seen it all. She’s done weddings where a big St. Bernard ring-bearer stole the show. She has married a Wiccan to an Anglican and a Muslim to a Jew. She dressed as Glinda the Good Witch and married people at a goth-themed Halloween wedding where the best man wore a Zorro costume and presented the ring on the end of a saber. She’s married people at a palliative care ward where the dying groom married his bride in front of a small contingent of nurses and caregivers.
Non-denominational wedding officiants are increasingly becoming the go-to choice for couples wanting to tie the knot in their own way. Often, traditional wedding venues like churches are too rigid and inflexible when it comes to accommodating people. Says Bunnett-Gibson of many of her clients: “They say we really would like this to be about our values and our family and our hopes and dreams. They do not want me talking religious dogma. They don’t want me recruiting, talking about some faith.”
Amanda Zuke decided to become a wedding officiant after her own wedding ceremony, which she was unsatisfied with. “I decided to find out what I could do to ensure others could have the wedding they really wanted.” She attained her license in 2005. Bunnett-Gibson was burned out from working as a therapist and a social advocate for the homeless and wanted a career change. Licensed officiants have to go through a lengthy Provincial licensing process. Both Zuke and Bunnett-Gibson are insistent on meeting with their clients before the ceremony, even if it is via Skype. Both are open-minded toward unconventional wedding ideas.
“Most of my weddings are fairly simple, civil ceremonies,” notes Zuke. “A larger number than you might expect are hand-fastings, a tradition which is gaining popularity outside Pagan circles. Occasionally, a couple will step a little off the beaten path, and I enjoy going with them. If I had to identify my most memorable wedding, it would probably be the incredibly sweet Buddhist couple who held their wedding in a yoga studio, incorporating a meditation teacher, the loving wishes of their family and friends, three intermissions, two piñatas representing the bride and groom, and a mariachi costume!”
Can officiants predict with any accuracy how long the marriages will last? Bunnett-Gibson thinks so. Major warning signs include a reluctance to attend pre-wedding counseling, focusing instead on flitting from store to store looking at bridesmaids’ dresses and the like. “I get a little nervous when I feel like the bride is more in love with getting married than in love with who she is marrying,” says Bunnet-Gibson. “She’s so much more interested in the flowers and the place settings than the quality he brings to the relationship. They don’t talk at all about the relationship, just the visual punch of the day.”
While a licensed officiant can refuse to marry a couple with just cause, a refusal is relatively rare. “I’ve worked closely with some couples, helping them prepare for their future, but I also recognize that for many of my couples, I’m a service provider, and I don’t lose sleep over that. Everyone is entitled to the wedding and the marriage they choose, and they know themselves better than I ever could. A few of my couples have split up for any number of reasons – to my knowledge, less than 10 per cent – but as a whole, the couples who come to me are excited about the wedding but focused on the marriage, which I think is absolutely key to their long-term success.”
Finding the right officiant for your wedding is key. Word-of-mouth is a great way to find an officiant that may not have the flashiest marketing, but who may be a great candidate. Great traits in an officiant include “patience,” says Bunnett-Gibson. “You really have to enjoy people and be a true people person. You must be flexible. And it’s mandatory to have a very healthy sense of humour.”
Although it seems obvious, be certain about your reasons for marriage. If your reason to get married is to stage an elaborate princess party, the week after the wedding can often be an enormous let-down. “Suddenly it’s all over and there comes your visa bill,” says Bunnett-Gibson. “If you haven’t married the right man or the right woman, good luck.”
“The best advice I could offer to any couple – the thing I wish I’d known when I was planning my own wedding – is to remember that you have the right to build the memories you want to carry with you,” says Zuke. “If a traditional church wedding makes your hearts sing, find a way to have that; if nothing would make you happier than a low-key ceremony and a backyard barbecue, don’t settle for anything else. No matter what you want, there’s an officiant out there somewhere who wants you to have exactly that, and will work with you to make it happen.”
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Tiffy Thompson is a writer and illustrator for the Toronto Standard. Follow her on Twitter at @tiffyjthompson.
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