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My sister’s boyfriend of five years broke up with her, and she told me she doesn’t want me to stay friends with him. We became buds when they were together, and I feel like I owe him an explanation for why I have been avoiding him. I don’t want to say it’s because of my sister because it might make her look bad. Should I just put off hanging out, or should I tell him we can’t be friends?
—Bro
You know, Bro, there should really be a standardized test that siblings and friends are required to write when they enter into a relationship. Especially when it comes to the generally accepted expectation that everyone in the vicinity of the new lovers — friends, family, pets — should at least try to become friends with their new beau, or belle, or whatever you call them. Or maybe it should just be standard practice for couples to separate themselves from everyone else in preparation for a possible breakup down the road, effectively avoiding the inclusion of anyone else in the whole mess that results from it. Oh, who am I kidding?
Bro, your question basically offers two options that you have to work with in this situation, though a third, easier option is also available.
Face-to-Face Explanation: In a perfect world this option would be so easy! If your sister’s ex-boyfriend was a well-rounded, emotionally sound individual, he would fully understand that a breakup involves severing ties with most (if not all) of the people that were associated with the ex. Unfortunately, when someone does the breaking up, they commonly develop some ridiculous delusions of grandeur that prevent them from seeing any problem with maintaining ties. “I don’t see the problem, man. Like, she’s taking this way too seriously, and it’s kind of selfish of her to say we can’t be friends.” Hey, shut up, buddy! Getting dumped is scarring, which is the best excuse to be selfish. So selfish that it’s cool to eat a tub of ice cream and cry out the window for everyone to hear.
Total Aversion: Unless you move overseas, this option is difficult to explore. You can, of course, avoid pursuing a hangout. Your sister probably won’t be cool with you going behind her back to organize secret meetings with her ex, and if you proceed with it, you’ll just have another problem to deal with. The difficulty with living in the same city as the person you are trying to avoid is that it’s not going to happen. You are bound to run into them, and being a proper adult requires you to not crawl under a table to avoid it when it happens.
Do Nothing At All: The pressure that comes with someone telling you not to hang out with someone else can feel heavy, but it doesn’t need to. If you respect your sister, you have an obligation to keep her happy. You have no obligation to provide her ex with an explanation as to why you aren’t hanging out with him. That guy can frig off. He can frig right off into hell!
If you really feel like you need to address the issue when you see him. “Hey man, you and my sister broke up,” should suffice.
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Kirk Heron is Toronto Standard‘s advice columnist. Follow him on Twitter at @ohnowhattodo.
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