I have a problem with self-discipline. I sit at my desk job day in and day out but they barely give me any work to do, which is amazing, but I could be reading, or walking around outside in the sunshine, or writing a novel. But I mostly spend it reading dumb shit that people post online, and even then I get bored almost immediately and start looking at other stuff. How can I structure my life to accomplish any of the really cool ideas I have instead of flitting my life away
Hello, Saddest Blob in the World. Your situation reminds me of an old tale. But first, let us engage in a short history lesson. Unbeknownst to most of the world, the Brothers Grimm had a younger brother named Jimmy; and an even lesser known fact is that from his small wooden-box home in the dark basement of the Grimm mansion, Jimmy Grimm provided his older brothers with most of their fairy-tale ideas. While many scholars foolishly believe that the brothers Grimm took most of their stories from old German folk tales, I have recently learned from an anonymous (and trustworthy) source that it was indeed Jimmy Grimm who was truly responsible for the moral-rich tales that we all know today. It is said that he would yell stories at them through a small hole in the floor while his brothers scrambled to write them down for profit.
The following is a Jimmy Grimm cautionary tale that was never published by his money-grabbing brothers. It is called “Captain Armo of the Adriatic”:
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Upon the restless waters of the Adriatic Sea there floated the most beautiful boat, crafted from the rarest wood and balanced as perfectly as the planets. In the cabin, sitting upon the most comfortable chair ever crafted, sat a captain named Armo. The captain donned a uniform of silk that shone brightly in the sunlight when he stood upon the deck. Day in and day out, Armo and his boat sailed uninterrupted, cutting through the water like a knife into fresh butter, with no real destination but the sea itself.
Captain Armo had purchased his boat many years before from a mysterious man of the forest, who cast upon it an enchantment that allowed the vessel to steer itself. The enchantment made it so Captain Armo need only to shout a simple command and the boat would do as he pleased. Since the captain was content with simply staring out to sea and occasionally carving crude figures out of driftwood, he enjoyed his lazy life on the water.
On one particularly clear day, a small island appeared on the horizon. As the land mass grew closer, Captain Armo saw that there were revellers upon the beach. They were dancing and drinking spirits and copulating furiously. The boat stopped just off the coast, facing the beach as if it were gazing upon the revellers. “Go around,” Captain Armo ordered. “I never learned how to dance, and I am much more comfortable staring out to sea.”
The boat hesitated for a moment before following Captain Armo’s orders, but it eventually did so, and again it drifted into the vast, lonely waters of the Adriatic.
After another hour or so at sea, a second island appeared. Again, there were many revellers on the beach. This time they were all relaxing in hammock beds and casually satisfying themselves. The boat stopped once again, this time closer to the shore. “I do not wish to enjoy the company of island-dwellers,” Captain Armo yelled. “And I could never find the balance to lay properly in a hammock. Follow the west coast of this island and let us continue our travels on open water.”
The boat hesitated longer this time, and when it began to move, it floated slowly around the east side of the island and out into the empty sea.
For many hours they coasted through the water while Captain Armo whistled poorly through his cracked lips.
“Hey, what’s your deal, buddy?” the boat said in a thunderous voice, stopping dead in the water. “You keep tellin’ me to pass by these islands and I’m gettin’ pretty sick of it, to be honest.”
“What?” said Captain Armo, confusedly. “Just you wait a minute. No one asked you to talk, boat. Keep moving while I look over your side.”
“Listen here, pal, if we come to another island like the last two, you’d better get off and talk to someone. You’re really bringing me down, man.”
The enchanted boat continued to move through the water, but now it was rocking back and forth, making it difficult for Captain Armo to find comfort. A third island appeared quickly, and the boat sped up to the shore. On the white sand of the island’s beach stood the most beautiful woman in the world, flawless, naked and signalling for help. Captain Armo stood still and serious. “I know nothing about saving people,” He said. “All I wish to do is sit on your deck and enjoy the view. Turn around and let us float on.”
The magical boat inched backwards until the island was nearly out of view. After a few moments of silence, the boat began to buck like an angry bull. Before long, Captain Armo was thrown from the deck and into the water with a splash. The boat turned and sped back to the island, leaving Captain Armo to drown, which he did quickly, as he never cared for swimming.
“Stuff you!” the boat bellowed over the open sea.
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Kirk Heron is Toronto Standard‘s advice columnist. Follow him on Twitter at @ohnowhattodo.
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